Three Letters
by guren666
Summary: Some days after Kira was defeated Mello gets a visit from Lindner, bearing three bundled letters adressed to him. She tells him they are from Near. Just what will they contain? Will it change anything? If so, for better or for worse? Near x Mello... kinda. Rated T, it contains attempted suicide and mentions rape, so if this is not you cup of coffee... do not read then.
1. First letter

Love

Mello finally beat Kira in his own game. He was the winner. And Near... was dead. He acted on his own and that was his biggest mistake. Mello wanted to be the one to die for him. He loved Near ever since he saw that little kid who looked like a lost puppy. His own stupid pride and rivalry stood in the way of their happiness. If only he could change the past! But he could not change anything. Near is dead. L is dead. Only he is alive. Is that fair that only the sinner is alive?

Lindner came by and brought him a bunch of letters tied together with a blue ribbon. She gave them to Mello. "These are from Near adressed to you. He ordered me to give them to you after you beat Kira. They are numbered, so read them in that order. They are Near´s last thoughts."

And with that, she left. Mello stared at the envelopes for a while, then he undid the blue ribbon and picked out the envelope number one. He sat down on a couch and read the first letter with uneasiness.

_Dear Mello,_

_I remember as if it was yesterday. I came to Wammy´s House where I met you. You hugged me and kissed me on the cheek later that night. You said that it is a habit to welcome someone new this way. I trusted you on that matter. Not just that, but I found out later that you were lying. As time passed by, I began to love you. Yes, love you. When we hit puberty, I couldn´t keep quiet anymore. I confessed to you. And you laughed me out. I ran away – I couldn´t stay there, or I would´ve cried right there in front of you. I didn´t show up for classes nor social activities. But I coudn´t stay holed up in my room forever, people were asking if something is amiss. I couldn´t just say that you broke my heart, now could I? I faked ilness. And then... I attempted my first suicide. Too bad they found me too soon. You came to see me... but you didn´t come to apologize. You came to ask why I did it. Back then, I didn´t answer you. Know why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of you, my own feelings. I was afraid of further rejection, I was afraid of what I have become. I was in hospital for over a year. I´ve lost so much blood that they didn´t give me any chances of surviving. Yet, I lived. Why couldn´t I just die? Why couldn´t I be granted sleep eternal? I was depressed and only thought about suicide. I didn´t want to live. Not like this. Teachers didn´t give me any time for my conflicted mind to reflect. They tested me and.. they found out that I am the best child at Wammy´s. That made number one to succeed L and you fell to second place. I didn´t want to take your spot. Sure, I was gifted, but I didn´t want to take that role. I... just wanted to be with you. I am actually crying, when I am writing this. Me, the "robotic prodigy ." That´s how children in Wammy´s called me when I began to beat you ate very test we took and you started hating me. I tried to fail the next test, but then you spoke to me for the first time since my hospitalization. "Don´t you dare drop your position now. I want to beat you fair and square." You said. I just nodded. I never intended to hurt you in any way. But I beat you at that test, the next one and so on. Your hate for me was growing. I surpressed my feelings for so long, kept them in check. And that was the beginning of the downfall. One day, you beat me up after I confessed again, unable to contain my feelings anymore. I was only human, no matter how many people thought that I didn´t have feelings. I had them. My heart was beating for you. After my confession you beat me up so badly they had to take me to the hospital. I woke up, stitched. You sat by my bed, asleep. Finally, I felt at peace. I truly, earnestly loved you. I loved you so much that I was willing to accept that you hate me, just so I could be with you in rare moments like that one. Next morning, you said that you wish I would die. At that time, my heart finally crumbled and I didn´t bother to collect its pieces. You left me alone. Soon after, Roger came in and asked me who did this to me. It was me. I did this to myself and blaming you would be a lie. I said I didn´t see who it was. He left, albeit a bit confused. That night, I tried to kill myself, again. You wanted me dead, right? I would grant you your wish. I hardly got up and sneaked to next room where there was a woman who has been poisoned by foreign exotic snake from abroad. Doctors took all the venom from her, but they forgot to take it to a laboratory. I came closer. She was sound was there, in a bowl. To my surprise, I found a syringe. I took the bowl and the syringe with me. I got on my bed and inserted the syringe into the venom. Then I pressed it into my left arm multiple times, till the bowl was empty. I felt as my body went numb and I lost my footing. I fell off my bed. Then my vision blurred. When I have opened my eyes, I thought that I have finally died. All around me was white. The walls, the ceiling... everything. Then I saw you standing by me. You saw how I awoke and you said that I look horrible and that my hair has become white. A doctor came in and she said that someone must have given it to me while I was sleeping. Doctors saved me, once again. I gritted my sheet. Why? Why cannot I die?! She left, but you stayed. You stayed. You took my hand, gently."I don´t want you to die." You said. I felt as a single tear drop formed in my eye. You wiped it away and you hugged me and gave me a kiss on the lips. With all my strenght, I pushed you away. No, I don´t want your pity! I don´t need it from you now! It´s too late! Too bad I didn´t say these words aloud back then. Maybe everything would be different... and maybe not. After that, you only gave me one confused look and exited my room. I cried. I cried afterwards. The whole day, plus night. I was surprised I had so many tears. I had all the time to think. Think about you, your sudden and too late pity on me. Maybe you had felt only pity and disgust. If only you saw sooner that I needed you. If only... but things cannot be changed now. From that day, I decided to really be like a robot. Emotionless and what´s more important – start anew._

_N _

After Mello finished the first letter, he was honestly shocked and he found himself crying. If only Near said loudly what he really felt at that time! If only he wasn´t so damn much confusing! If only... he saw through Near´s loneliness sooner. Through his empty eyes... through his pure love. If only they weren´t such fools! Mello dreaded to read the next letter. It was much shorter, but quantity was not the matter here. Lindner said that this were Near´s thoughts, feelings... hopes, dreams. Mello swallowed down the lump in his throat and his heart skipped more that just a few beats. It hurt. It hurt him, horribly.


	2. Second Letter

Revival

Mello remembered how he hurt him. And he deeply regretted it. No matter what reason, he shouldn´t have done that heinous act. He loved him and he destroyed him, crushed like a blooming flower. It was unforgivable. He was sure Near never forgave him, even after the second time. The first time was burned into each other´s memory. That´s why Mello left after L died. Near deserved to be L, not him. Mello took the second letter in his shaky hands and read.

Dear Mello,

_You´ve hurt me the most. I´m sure you remember it. You raped me. I tried to stop you, but you were far more stronger. My new life wasn´t starting in a good way. Not that you minded. You ruined my mental health. I was so afraid of you that I tried to transfer to another oprhanage, but Roger wouldn´t let me go. My chances of escaping from you were crushed. I couldn´t ignore my own feelings no matter how much I wanted. One week later, I have visited you in your room while you were sleeping. You have already broken me. You hurt me mentally- I tried to kill myself several times. Physically – you beat me up and you raped me in my own room. And yet, I loved you. I came closer to your bed. You were sleeping peacefully. I sat down and gazed at you. "I love you." I whispered. You slept on. This was one of those moments I was looking forward to. Even thought you said repeatedly that you hate me, I knew that deep inside you love me. I laid down, in your arms. I kissed you lightly. My kiss was light as a feather. You stirred a bit and said my name. I stared at you until I finally fell to the land of dreams. Next morning, I looked around. You were sleeping. I´ve never been so close to you before. I savoured this moment. I had to go. You wrapped your arms around my waist, not wanting to let go of me. I turned around and kissed you again. I couldn´t resist. I love you, I love you... You slowly opened your eyes and saw me. You stared at me for a minute. Then you gave me a passionate kiss. I was shocked at what was happening. This must be a dream. I must be dreaming, I thought. But that was reality. You unbuttoned my shirt and licked my nipple, my ear and you slowly made love to me. I was beyond happy. You finally gave up on hating me and embraced my love. That´s what I thought... Later that afternoon, we were both called into Roger´s office. He told us about L´s death. I knew what that meant. It´s either you or me. "Who did L choose?" You asked. "None. He didn´t decide. Why don´t you two work together?" Roger suggested. I was let down when you said that you can´t stand me, that I should become the next L and you´re leaving. You left me. This time, for good. After everything I went through for you. My life felt even emptier than before. I only wanted us to be together. Was it too much wishful thinking? I knew that you couldn´t control your emotions, for example when you beat me up or raped me, but I never blamed you. I´ve just then realized that I drove you to this, I was the one who changed your personality. The kid who kissed me and hugged me was still there, but he was burried very deep under your armor you made. Jealousy, rivalry and all that stuff changed you into an abusive person. I am terribly sorry. I want the "you" to wake up when you read this. I love you._

_N _

When Mello finished reading, he was struck by guilt and self hate. Then followed pity and thankfulness. Near never hated him. Near never blamed him for what he´s done to him. Every normal person would blame the other one in that kind of situation. Near was truly too kind. Mello´s tears intensified. Near´s love had no limits. Mello clutched at his heart with his free hand. Why did it hurt so much? Shouldn´t he feel relieved and better after reading this? Mello gritted his teeth and dropped the second letter to the third one is going to be the worst of all. This describes how he is going to sacrifice himself for him. HIM! "Near, you big idiot. I should have died, not you!"


	3. Third letter

Hope

_Dear Mello,_

_From that day, I ´ve started my own investigation. I went to the president od USA and he made me the leader of SPK. My goal was to catch Kira, the killer of L. I knew that if we´re going to win against him, one of us has to die. And I chose to pay that price. I used Lindner to find out your plans. She told you everything she knew about my plans, but she didn´t know my ultimate goal and I didn´t tell it to anyone. I was going to die for you. It sounds stupid when I am writing it down, but I want you to live. By the time you read this last letter, I am already dead. At least I know that Lindner delivered them. But back to my plans. Not everything went so smoothly. You almost disrupted my plans when you came into my HQ, demanding your old photo taken at Wammy´s. You wanted it back, but I am sure you wanted to see me. Truth is, I wanted to see you too before I went ahead with my plan. You´ve matured so much since I last saw you. You shook up my resolve when I told everyone to leave us alone and we went to my room and you kissed me. It felt so good to be in your arms. I burned your image, scent, kisses, smile into my memory. You had to leave. I let you go. I wanted to save you. For me, there was no hope. But, hope dies as last and I bet my life against Kira for that hope. Next day, I am going to sneak out from HQ and kidnap Takada on my own. Do not worry. I am not so fragile as I look. I can do it. No, I will do it. I am smiling now. Because I know I am causing problems for that bastard Kira and I am helping you at the same time. I know that you´re going to finish what I started. I love you. Forever._

_ N_

This was the final blow to Mello´s rage. Hope dies as last? There is no hope left. Near, the one who he wanted to protect, was dead. He was his ray of hope. Mello threw away the third letter. How could he do that?! How could he throw away his life so easily? For someone like him? In that moment, Mello realized that they were each other´s hope. Near hoped that Mello would return back, the "him" he loved. And Mello realized too late, that he wished for it, too. If only he and Near weren´t so stubborn. If only they talked it out. Then neither would have to die. They would take down Kira together. Mello let the hot tears flow down his cheeks. He finally understood Near´s message.

He went over to the window and gazed out to the sky. It was azure blue. "Near, I love you too. Forever." He murmured.


End file.
